Within an hour of the release of my latest album someone already wrote a review. And uh… that review references another review which I couldn’t… find… for some reason. Here goes, and totally not by my humble self, I swear.
Editors Note: Mr. Kniebaum was found lying in his own urine on the floor of his office. he was commited to an asylum the next day. He hasn’t talked to anyone since. The following is what was on his computer screen when he was found and must’ve been the last thing he wrote before he went crazy.
I’m sitting here after listening to the latest release of an artist called Krachfabrik. The album’s name is Klangverschmutzung which is German for Noise Pollution. Or so I’ve been told. It’s a good summary of the album, really. Honest. I wasn’t sure I should listen to this. Iroquois von Gaywilliardo, the reviewer of the last Krachfabrik album, committed suicide and blamed the album for taking his will to live.
Now, I’ve read another review of Klangverschmutzung already, and the guy who wrote it seems to be fine as ever. So let’s give this thing a spin, shall we?
The album starts with “Erinnerungen eines Toten” Some bogus German words because the guy who made it is German. On the track itself I gotta say: This sucks! But it’s not bad. Surprisingly. A bit boring but maybe this isn’t a lost case yet, maybe not all is lost with Krachfabrik.
Then “You cannot grasp the true form of this track.” happens. What the hell? This must be the noise inside the head of a rape victim. I’m not trying to be controfunny here. It really IS that horrible. There’s distortion all over the song and some creepy voice whispers inaudible stuff. And that’s all I can say about that.
By that point I was done, really. But “No, Nate” the album said, or so I imagined “This is not over yet, there are still ten songs left. On a related note: Fuck you!” On second thought it really might’ve been my editor who said that. “Where’s my goddamned review you lazy piece of fuck” “I can’t rush this boss, the last album by that guy killed Iroquois” “Do I look like I care?”
Let’s not delay the inevitable, then. The next song is called “The Rainbow Was Paul” It starts with some distorted chaotic Piano and then becomes a non-distorted considerably less chaotic Piano. After the previous track this is probably the best track ever. For a second there it almost looks like it’s got a vibe a-goin’. It has, but when will it stop? All things end eventually. This song does a bit earlier, the Album later.
“A:\matter of mind” I can imagine Mr. Krachfabrik cracking himself up on that. The song starts with that annoying high-pitched synth sound which won’t go away for a while. And when it stops, for an instant, this song is actually enjoyable in a way. Of course something had to ruin it. The song has vocals. Growls or screams or whatever you call it. About some mindfucking business or whatever. Of course these kinds of growly vocals aren’t everyone’s cup of tea. Not mine. But I think this is objectively bad. Did he even try to make it sound good?
Next on is “Total Eclipse Of The Art”. Clever name, totally. The song is surprisingly un-horrible. That wasn’t even a word a second ago, but I think this is the only way to adequately describe the music. It actually builds up and becomes more and more intense. Then some ass hits the music with an axe. What the hell?! How do you produce such a sound? The song resumes. After about 30 or so seconds (I didn’t really check the time) another axe hits. Then another and another. And the song, of course, ends with a fucking axe to your head.
After all this senseless destruction the calmer “Zerstoren” (with an umlaut above the o) is welcome and much appreciated. It’s almost beautiful. Then the mood shifts. And then electric guitars come in. Luckily it doesn’t really get super heavy and violent like the Total Eclipse. At the end he says some shit about Bob Ross, what the hell?
And “Eng” starts. This track is nothing. Absolutely nothing. It doesn’t sound good. It doesn’t sound bad. I’m tempted to call this stuff the B-movie of music. I don’t want to leave in the middle, but I probably won’t see it again. Unless maybe if I’m watching TV on a weekday after midnight. Or perhaps if it’s the only song left on earth after a horrible disaster.
“Translucent”. That would be the name of the next song. It starts slow and stays slow. This is the best track yet. “Just don’t get your hopes up, he’ll wreck it with an axe” I thought. I found myself in constant suspense. The tension was unbearable. I knew, any second now, something bad would happen to ruin this song. Like the other decent one. But it doesn’t happen. I breathed I sigh of relief when the song ended. If you really wanna listen to a Krachfabrik song, listen to this. It’s the least horrible.
Leetspeak. Do you know what that is? It’s some kind of internet thing. You replace some letters with numbers. E.g. an E can become a 3, a 4 can be either an A or an H. It’s good to know this if you really wanna know what the next song’s title means. “Death’s d3874″ Totally clever, genius. Starts with a high-pitched noise again. It also ends with that noise. Whenever that noise isn’t so loud the song actually isn’t bad. But you could expect the guy behind the music to have learned something from “Translucent”. Instead there’s more of that high-pitched shit.
The next song on the album is called “Non-Euclidean Streets”. And it’s your brain on drugs. Or mine. Hell. There are various string instruments but they’ve been filtered so I can’t say which one’s which. Let’s just never speak of this again, okay?
Finally, it’s almost over. Just two more songs. The first of those is “Truth is a Democracy”. HAHAHAHAHAHA DUDE WHAT IS WITH YOUR CLEVER SONG TITLES HAHAHAHAHA. And it sounds like someone took a shit on the neck of a guitar and some poor fucker had to play it. I hear a trumpet also. I don’t think someone shat in there, you couldn’t hear the instrument if that were the case. The whole song builds a dark atmosphere. A dark brown atmosphere. It’s like the guitar dude could clean his guitar after some time but he didn’t have a pick left. You can guess which dried substance he used instead. The longer the song goes the more chaotic it becomes. I was about to just skip it when it settled down a bit. And, thank god, ended after another minute.
Okay, almost. Just this one song then it’s over. “THIS.DIE();” Honestly. This title scared me. I knew it was probably serious, so I turned down the volume a bit. The infernal spirits from hell can’t get me If I only hear the sound of evil at half of its volume. Right? RIGHT!!? Why am I alone here? I can’t enjoy this knowing it will kill me the moment I look away. Why the hell am I alone here again? I can’t be dead already, can I?
- Nathan Kniebaum, Lolling Stone